The following was written on a sea scroll and it was found on a beach….
Erik the Red confronts the WhalerErik the Red was sailing on the open seas searching for a new island to pillage when he came across a ship; a big one in particular. Erik the Red is a Viking and he is not afraid of any ship, even a big one. But he noticed that this was a ship unlike any he had seen on the open water. The ship is drifting in a wayward direction. Erik the Red uses his telescope to search for sailors; there is only one that he can see and he is sprawled out next to a pile of dirty clothes on the deck of the ship, rum in one hand, and harpoon in the other. The Red has killed many a drunken sailor before, they don’t make good Vikings. The Red directed his ship toward the drunken sailor's ship; he planned to kill the sailor and take the ship.
Erik the Red took his large double edged sword and boarded the ship with two of his guards, Günter and Sven. The sailor was still asleep when the Red walked up to him and nudged his side with his armored boot. The man awoke with crooked eyes and furrowed brow. A bout of maritime gibberish ensued.
“Stand about sailor, what business have you in my seas?” Erik the Red’s thick Scandinavian accent was barely comprehensible to the rum soaked Whaler. The Whaler snapped back with an alcohol induced New England tongue…
“Wha ‘re yu’s, soom kin ta pahhyrit?”
The Red was rather amused at the Whaler’s insurrection; normally he would have already killed the man but his curiosity would delay him.
“Are you alone sailor?” the Red asked.
“I ain’d warkin’ na plank ya derty pahhyrit, dis ma shhhip. Don ya touch ma fren nahther, hees…”
“A-ha, so you are not alone. Where’s your first mate sailor? Maybe he is sober enough to speak”
“Hees nhat a whaylher lik’me. Hees, hees, I dunno what hee’s, but hees...”
“Take me to him and I’ll let you live for now.”
“Ya’ fhallaw ther rope ta tha-ah cambin under, hees in thar,” the Whaler squeezed out the last word from the corner of his mouth, squinted his eyes, and lifted a weak finger abaft toward the cabin entrance. Moments later he collapsed to the deck again landing on top of the empty bottles of rum. One bottle rolled loudly toward the bow along the uneven wooden deck.
Erik the Red stood in indecision, wondering if he should kill the Whaler.
“Aaah, scurvy whaler; no use in killing him now, he’ll be here when we get back. Take the harpoon from him (talking to Sven), he gets about somehow and I don’t trust a whaler with a harpoon in his hands.”
Erik the Red and his two burly guards, one of which carried the Whaler’s harpoon, opened the hatch leading to the main cabin below deck. There was a smell of raw meat, fermented wine, and rotting cheese. There was a dim light in the corner where the smells were coming from. A man with a painted face and calm demeanor was shown in the light. The scraps of meat were resting on his ripped shirt and his ankles were locked in shackles as he played the harmonica.
“Stop that noise you, what are you doing here? You don’t look like a sailor”
“I am not a sailor, I eat”
“You eat? Tell me your purpose here or I will kill you now sailor”
“I am not a sailor, I am an eater. Eater X.”
Erik the Red was so frustrated, his face turned red like his hair, he drew his sword and bent the shaft in to the eater’s chest.
“This is your last chance, tell me what is going on here”
“The Whaler is my friend, we ARE connected, but he is lost. He has been feeding me for weeks down here, he chained me up and when he wakes from his drunkenness, he buries me in different foods, today was meat and rotten cheese; I have to eat to stay alive. He chained me up, but he doesn’t mean it, he just has lost his way.”
“Are there any other sailor’s on this ship?”
“No. I have seen no one.”
The Red still had no idea what the Eater X was doing on the ship but he returned his sword. He walked back up to the deck where the Whaler still lay, and stood over him once again. Günter kicked the Whaler firmly in the midsection, breaking one of his ribs.
“Get your drunken ass up off this deck and start doing what you were born to do," snarled Erik the Red. "I'm not gonna kill you, I ain’t even gonna report you to the army of the sea – I’ll be back in one week and I expect to see that creature hiding out down there released - and I want to see blubber on the deck of this ship.”
Erik the Red’s burly guards Günter and Sven, though illiterate, were cunning and they were perplexed at these words. Günter, being the bigger, blurted out displeasure of the Red’s decision just loud enough for him to hear. The Red snatched the harpoon from Sven and suddenly thrust it in to Günter’s chest without hesitation. The blow did not kill him but the momentum of the strike sent him flailing backward and over the starboard ledge. Though Günter was a Viking and lived on the seas his entire life, he could not swim and he quickly sank below the surface while choking on his own blood.
“Don’t let this be the only blood I see on this harpoon when I return,” Erik the Red said as he handed the now sober looking Whaler his harpoon. “I will find you and I will kill you if you don’t kill me a whale.”
Sven did not dare say a word but he could not help but look blankly in question at Erik the Red. “I am not enitrely sure why Sven, but we need this Whaler back in action, that is for sure.”
Erik the Red clanked his boots to the deck. He turned his back and crossed the plank on to his own ship. The Whaler could be heard cursing and crushing bottles as Erik the Red sailed away, sparing the Whaler his life. But he would return, as promised...
The rest of the scroll is missing
In less than two weeks time, a big weekend for MLE and yours truly will be taking place on the road. First, a poutine eating contest sponsored by Smoke's Poutinerie in Toronto on Saturday, October 4th.
